When My Partner Protests
Does it feel like your partner brings a full court press when you make a mistake? When they get upset, does it feel like they are pushing you away and telling you what a bad partner you are? If so, this article is for you.
This time we will delve deeper into the motives behind pursuing and protesting, because…
That behavior doesn’t Means What You Think…
(part 3)
In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we help couples look beneath the surface of their conflict to understand what their partner is really trying to communicate.
Your partner’s critical energy doesn’t necessarily mean they think you’re terrible or that you’re not good enough. Often, it means they feel disconnected, alone, or afraid they’re too much—or too damaged—to be loved. Closeness with you helps ease that fear.
When your partner brings up concerns, asks repeated questions, or pushes for reassurance, they may be reaching for a message that says, “You matter to me. I care about what hurts you. I’m here.”
If you didn’t matter so much, they’d likely give up.
But the more urgently they reach, the more inadequate or trapped you may feel. You pull away, and your distance leaves them even more alarmed. Before long, you’re caught in the familiar cycle both of you are trying to escape.
I’ve done this pursuit myself. One night, feeling particularly invisible to Kim, I started quizzing her about why her actions hurt me so much. Beneath my questions, I was hoping she would reassure me that she understood and cared. Instead, Kim felt interrogated, and shut down. My attempt to reach for connection had the opposite effect.
The next time your partner’s reaches feel critical or intense, get curious. See if you can discover and acknowledge the softer feelings protectively hidden under their anger and energy.
