“I am really beginning again to feel him with me.”
Captured in that simple, heartfelt comment from Jamie is the essence of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, or EFT.
Yet not four months earlier, they were on the brink of divorce. She had asked him to move out, he had an “emotional affair” with a co-worker, and they described a “chasm” between them.
Unlike couples therapies based on just modifying a couple’s outward behaviors, EFT doggedly ignores a behavioral approach asking you to do certain routines with your partner.
The effect ends up staying on the surface… as deeper emotions and needs bubble below, unmet.
How often have you heard the rote advice to practice “caring” moments? Or that you set up date nights, or attempt to institute a policy of kissing one another upon parting or greetings?
While there is nothing wrong with these, they don’t mend a chasm widening beneath the surface between you. They don’t heal the hurts or unmet emotional needs. They don’t stop either of you from feeling deeply alone and feeling with each other.
So what can get below the surface?
Love can seem to many a mystery.
What if we could understand it and sustain it?
Love is unruly, powerful and yet necessary to our survival. We know we need it.
Yet we remain unsure of:
- How it happens
- Why it happens
- And how to sustain it when it hits us!
Many people even give up on love as a “pie in the sky” romantic notion that “just happens”… and then just as mysteriously disappears. They may stay in broken relationships, or move from one failed relationship to the next finding the same patterns happening again and again.
But Sue Johnson offers hope in her new book – Love Sense.
The Secret to Happiness Is Right Here
Not only is a committed relationship possible, it is the one factor that can assure your happiness and continued well-being throughout your lifetime.
This interview was a blast, and we packed in so much knowledge and eureka moments to share!
We are so grateful to Sue Lundquist for having us on her radio show – the Gratitude Cafe – and to be able to share the entire interview with you today.
Just a few of the revelations we discussed on the show include:
- How EFT works and is able to improve the connection and intimacy of over 80% of all couples in studies.
- The three words to open up your partner (especially women) and stoke the fires of intimacy and connection. It’s not “I love you.”
- The greatest gift you can give your children for happy, fulfilling relationships and adult lives.
- The deeper layer hidden beneath the arguments, anger, and pain, and the real source of the hurt and resentment that creates disconnection between couples.
- Why the secret to resolving the lingering hurt and miscommunication in your relationship is a felt experience, not a thinking one. We give you the first step to relieving the pain and miscommunication and start to get that felt experience.
- The steps to creating a safe relationship so you can begin to resolve the fears, hurts, longings, loneliness, and disconnection… and find your way back to intimacy and deep, connected love.
We were nervous, but excited. After hitting it off with Sue already in our pre-interview, we knew this was going to turn out incredible.
As we arrived, the clammer of saws and pounding hammers made our hearts sink a little. How could we be recording a show amidst a thumping, pounding, screeching sea of sound rising from the construction site at KKNW’s radio station?
For decades, centuries, even millennia – love and connection has been this mysterious force that is simply there… or not.
But is it?
Is it really all a mystery?
We all know what it feels like to have emotion take over in an argument.
Even trivial ones…
But when it becomes a pattern of emotional disconnection, that is a problem. It simply won’t resolve itself on it’s own.
Before you know it, you are either shouting at each other or shrinking inside yourself every time. But you don’t know why you can’t get through to your partner. You can’t see why such simple things lead to such heated results.
Instead, hurt and resentment is building under the surface. You lose that sense of safety and connection with your partner. And that hurt and resentment builds on a deeper level than what the argument seems to be about. You both feel like you’re hitting an irrational wall with the other person that you just can’t understand why.
If so, you are probably experiencing the Spin Cycle.
When not addressed, it becomes a barrier to connection and intimacy, and you both begin to feel alone and resentful.
And the underlying damage can be hard to see.