Have you ever wondered why you and your partner get into the same basic fight over and over regardless of the topic? Sue Johnson, developer of Hold Me Tight workshops, changed the way we look at relationships.
We are neurologically wired to react with intensity.
Johnson and a handful of relationship pioneers in the late 20th century discovered that all people have the same basic fear - to be alone! The need for a primary person follows us from the cradle to the grave. When something threatens the security of our primary relationship (or might threaten it) we are neurologically wired to react with intensity with one of two strategies:
- We pursue and protest - trying to pull our partner closer and try to fight through the tension.
- We withdraw and protect - trying to push the danger away and fight to calm the tension.
70+% of couples world wide have this pattern.
Most couples around the globe have one partner who pursues contact and one that withdraws from contact at times of intensity in the relationship.
Pursuers experience their partner’s withdrawal as trying to escape from them - so they follow faster - leaving the withdrawer even more desperate to get space from the intensity so the relationship can survive another day.
Withdrawers experience their partner's increased energy as pushing them away - so they try to get distance - leaving the pursuer even more frantic and chasing harder to get contact to soothe their distress.
Does this sound familiar?
This pattern often feels like a perfect trap with no way out. With help, we escaped our pit and now our passion is helping other couples find their way out, too.
We wish we could give you a simple three-step process out of your perpetual pattern. There are no simple solutions here. If you could think your way out, you and your partner would have already solved the puzzle.
If you want help to find your way out of your endless conflict loop you might start by reading Hold Me Tight or Love Sense by Sue Johnson.
