Sometimes seemingly small things get in the way of a good time. When that happens to you and your partner, we’ve got a tip to help you get back to connection and enjoying summer.
If it's not about the dishes... what is it about?
A significant finding of adult attachment science is that most of your conflict isn't really about the dishes, money, schedules, or whatever you happen to be arguing about. Beneath the surface, you’re often asking a deeper question: Do I matter to you? Do you care about me? Can I count on you? According to Dr. Sue Johnson, primary developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), healthy relationships depend on emotional responsiveness and our ability to answer that basic question: “Can I count on you when I need you?”
When your partner gets upset and escalates or shuts down, resist the urge to defend yourself, solve the problem, or push to make yourself heard. Instead, get curious about the emotion underneath the reaction. Notice the frustration, then become interested in what else your partner might be feeling. Try saying, “I can see you’re upset. I don’t understand yet, but I want to. Will you help me?”
When your partner hears, “You matter to me,” it can calm the nervous system and create a sense of safety. The strongest couples aren't those who never struggle—they’re the ones who consistently find their way back to each other through curiosity, empathy, and responsiveness.
