Today’s tip is inspired by a line from the Princess Bride movie where Inigo tells Vizinni “I don’t think that word means what you think it means” after Vizinni repeatedly states something is inconceivable and then it happens. Kim and Dennis often see a similar dynamic show up in couple relationships.
Don’t Think That Means What You Think It Means!
Have you ever looked at something your partner did and thought, “I know exactly why you did that”?
Maybe they walked away, got defensive, forgot something important, or seemed uninterested—and you quickly decided what their behavior meant: They don’t care. They’re trying to control me. I’m not important to them.
But what if you’re wrong?
As Inigo Montoya might say, “I don’t think that means what you think it means.”
Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy is built on a simple, research-backed idea: beneath almost every “reactive” behavior is an attachment fear, not the motive we assume. Withdrawal usually isn’t indifference — it’s overwhelm and a fear of failing. Criticism usually isn’t contempt or dislike — it’s a desperate bid for connection. Johnson’s decades of research show that when couples learn to see the vulnerability underneath the behavior, stuck cycles soften.
Get Curious When You Think You Know
You can learn to pause before reacting to the story you’ve created about your partner. Instead of assuming, get curious! When you tell yourself a negative story about your partner ask yourself, “What else could this behavior mean?” You could also be courageous and share your curiosity by saying something like, “I’m telling myself that you don’t care. Is that what’s happening for you or somethings else?”
In our therapy and workshop, you’ll learn how to recognize these moments, question your assumptions, get curious and respond in ways that create greater safety and connection.
You don’t have to fight your cycle on your own.
Do you want to discover if that doesn’t mean what you think in means in your marriage? Join us for therapy or a Hold Me Tight® Seattle workshop.
