Getting Out of Your Conflict Déjà Vu Loop

Déjà Vu Conflict and Disconnection

Have you found yourself in an endless loop of “déjà vu” moments – the same basic conflict on repeat? Whether it’s about chores, money, date night, or another topic, you get stuck in the same basic pattern of pursue and withdraw.

This pattern is normal for romantic partners. When each of you reach for what you need it backfires, and you go without. Instead of growing the relationship when you reach for closeness you get more distance. Instead of protecting your bond by shutting down conflict the fight gets hotter. Research indicates that 70+% of couples world-wide have this same pattern.

Dennis and Kim were once lost in a series of conflict déjà vu moments. Dennis would reach for contact with Kim to help him regulate. This increased Kim’s fear of failing him. Kim would seek relief through reaching for more distance from Dennis. This in turn left Dennis with even more distress.

4 Steps Toward Understanding & Ending the Déjà Vu Loop of Conflict and Disconnection

1. What You Do:
   Notice and name what you do in the cycle. Each of your actions happen in the context of what your partner does before and after your action. Think of it like a sports play-by-play.
   Example from Kim and Dennis’s past:
   Dennis: Ask a question -> Kim: Change topic -> Dennis: Ask the question louder. 
   Click here for examples and more information on tracking what you do.
2. Stories you tell:
   Next tune into what you tell yourself in times of distress.
   Why do you think your partner did what they did? We are often convinced we know why. Yet, about 75% of the time we are wrong.
   Example from Kim and Dennis’s past:Kim’s story: I change the topic because I’m worried my response won’t be good enough.
   Click here for examples of common stories we tell ourselves.
3. What You feel:
   We can identify what we feel in 3 main ways.
   • First, we can notice the sensations in our body. We call them feelings because we physically feel them in our body. However, many people have learned to ignore these sensations.
   • Second, we can use emotion labels like sad or frustrated for what we feel.
   Last, we can use metaphors, images, and similes like “I feel like I’m drowning” to express how we feel.
4. Link the part of the cycle: Our responses begin with our feelings so that’s a good place to start. Then connect your feelings with your story and your partner’s side of the cycle.
   Example from Kim and Dennis’s past:
   Dennis: I see Kim on her phone, feel lonely, and get frustrated. I question her to try to get connection. Then Kim deflects my questions and I feel more lonely. I tell myself she doesn’t value me.
   Click here for a resource for linking parts of your cycle.

Some couples can beat their déjà vu loop on their own along with helpful resources like Hold Me Tight or An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples. Other couples need professional support. If that’s you, Infinity EFT has a service that is right for you:

• Traditional weekly EFT couple therapy. EFT is the most effective modality with the highest outcome rates of any couples therapy and the best long term follow up results. Request a free consult with Dennis or Kim online or by calling 253-343-0746.
• Hold Me Tight Couple Workshops: These intimate weekend workshops have a maximum of 8 couples and provide instruction, group discussion, supported couple breakout conversations and more. Register by July 6 and save an extra $200 with promo code SUM25 at check out.
• EFT Intensives: We offer several formats to fit your life. Full day intensives over 2 or 3 days. Morning (or afternoon) intensives over a week or two. (We call this a therapy vacation. EFT in the morning and vacation the rest of the day). Request a free 20-minute Intensive consult with Dennis online or by calling 253-343-0746.