Are you frustrated that no matter how much you try to get connection, appreciation, or acceptance from your partner, it just gets further out of reach?
You might be reaching for the wrong thing!
Reaching for stand-in needs instead of true attachment needs
Many people spend their whole relationship reaching for stand-in needs instead of their true deep needs. A stand-in need is something we hope will satisfy a deep need but never can. Asking for a change of bandage could be a stand-in need for having an infected wound cleaned. No matter how many times they change the bandage, it’s never going to help the wound.
Recently during an EFT Therapy session Nancy* discovered she’s been reaching for the wrong things for the past 11 years. She confessed to her husband “I afraid if I ask for what I really need I’ll be a burden.” Then, remembering her frequent request, she said, “but I ask for things all the time.” She paused, she added, “you do the easy things I ask for, but it never really helps because I’m afraid to ask for what I truly need.” Later in therapy we came back to this, and she figured out and received what she’d always needed.
One good way to find your deeper needs is to keep asking yourself how what you’re trying to get will help you.
For example:
If my husband initiates sex with me what will that give me?
“It will mean he wants me.”
If she wants me…?
“Then I’ll know she likes me / likes being with me.”
And if she likes being with me…?
“Then I don’t need to worry she will find someone to replace me.
Another way to find your true couple need is to read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. You can also attend one of our Workshops based on the book. It’s what conversation four is about at Hold Me Tight Seattle. Our fall workshop, Sept 20-21, is filling up.