Does your partner regularly turn away, make a joke, minimize your concern, or shut down when you reach for them? In the last article we mentioned these behaviors are typically driven by overwhelm and fear of failing.
This time we will delve deeper into the motives behind pulling away, because…
That behavior doesn’t Means What You Think
(part 2)
Pulling away from you is designed to protect you from further hurt. As a husband recently put it, “it’s a safety valve. If I don’t, I might blow up or do something the relationship can’t recover from.” Your partner is doing it because of how much you matter. They reason that doing nothing is the safest move. Below the surface they fear that one more mistake could be the end of the relationship.
Responding with a joke, advice, or a solution are most often attempts to help you feel better. Laughing and solving helps them feel better. It’s often confusing when their best coping tool doesn’t help you. Deep down they often fear if they can’t help you feel better, why will you keep them around.
Defending and explaining serves two purposes. First, they’ve got to correct the record, so you know they were considering you. Second, if they don’t correct the record, they fear you will keep believing they are a bad partner.
In times of tension their moves to avoid hurting you in one way end up hurting you in another way.
The next time your partner pulls away when you need them – get curious. Ask yourself or them about their motive instead assuming you know already.
In the next article, we will decode your actions for your partner and help them see you more accurately.
