Noticing, Admitting, and Naming to Exit Your Conflict Cycle
If you have a partner, then you have a basic pattern in moments of tension. Not every fight fits your basic pattern – yet most do. Over 70% of couples world-wide share a similar pattern. It goes like this:
The more I try to get space to calm things down and protect the relationship the more you attempt conversation to connect and preserve our bond. The more panicked I become the more I deflect or evade. Then you feel more desperate to get through and get louder and hotter. Finally, I can’t take it anymore and I leave or toss a verbal grenade to quiet you down. The conversation end and then it falls to you to restart the topic later.
This cycle can seem like a perfect loop with no way off the carousel. Everything I do makes your distress worse. Everything you do makes my distress worse.
Is it possible to ever get off this not-so-merry-go-round? Yes. Kim and Dennis have. Countless other couples also have, using the road map of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Hold Me Tight®. Here are 3 steps that are part of that roadmap:
1- Notice My Basic Moves
What do I do most often in times of tension with my partner?
Do I try to decrease the distance with my partner through questions, observations, complaints, or increase the volume?
Do I try to decrease the intensity by evading, defending, explaining, or ending the talk?
Watch yourself during times of couple conflict and notice what your most frequent moves are.
2- Admit My Move
We tend to notice and point out our partner’s basic moves in the cycle. Calling out your partner is a sure way of growing the conflict.
Reverse this move – call yourself out instead. When you notice your move, admit it. “I can’t stop yelling questions at you. It’s just making this worse!”
3- Name My Motive*
We are often poor at guessing our partner’s motives in times of tension. Instead of leaving your partner to guess how you’re trying to help the situation, name your motive. If you’re not sure what your intent is – ask yourself questions like, “If doing X made things better, what do I hope will improve?”
Put it together:
Imagine you identified two basic moves: defending and explaining. When you (1) notice yourself doing this say something like this, (2) “I’m doing it again. I’m defending and myself explaining. (3) I don’t know why but it seems to be making us worse. Give me a minute to think…. (4) I’m wanting to help youfeel better. If you know my intent, then maybe you won’t hurt as bad. I just want you to stop hurting and not see me as a bad partner.”
Need help Noticing, Admitting, and Naming
If you need help identifying, noticing, and admitting your basic moves or figuring out your motives, we are here to help. Our intimate Hold Me Tight® Seattle couple workshops might be all your relationship needs to learn and escape from your cycle, or a booster for EFT couple therapy. Kim and Dennis and their team of facilitators also provide individualized therapy support to defeat your cycle and live the enjoyable, close, passionate relationship you are wired for.
*Sharing your intent can become another way of defending yourself. Use with care. When overused it can intensify the cycle instead of being a tool to help exit it. Partners often hear repetitive intent sharing as a way of telling them why their feeling or experience is wrong.