African American couple holding each other tight on beach-hold me tight Seattle

What is a Hold Me Tight® Conversation?

Powerful moments in relationship come when you are truly known by your partner – flaws and all – and still experience your partner’s acceptance and desire to be with you.

That is the destination of the Hold Me Tight® process following the Emotionally Focused Therapy roadmap. We create the safety and structure you need to risk letting your spouse or partner see the hidden parts of yourself. We usually try to hide these parts under protective reactions. These reactions are intended to reduce the risk of being rejected or abandoned. They usually backfire and pull us deeper into destructive cycles of conflict and distance.

Key Parts of a Hold Me Tight® Conversation:
  • Admitting your concerns:
    • What your partner might think about you if you reveal a hidden part of yourself
    • What your partner might do if you reveal that hidden part (abandon or reject you)
  • Telling your partner about the part of yourself you have been hiding
  • Asking your partner what you need from them to provide reassurance in this moment that they don’t want to abandon or reject you now that you have risked sharing
4 Ways to Experience a Hold Me Tight® Conversation:

Hold Me Tight® Conversation Experiences
between Dennis and Kim

From Dennis:
It was probably my first attempt at a Hold Me Tight conversation with Kim. Early in our marriage, Kim frequently told people, “I love being married to a Communications student. It might not keep us from getting into trouble, but Dennis knows how to get us out.” Before long, our conflicts and challenges were too big for me to have any clue what to do with, and Kim had stopped telling people that. By our second decade of marriage the bandages that had kept us together didn’t work anymore. As I sat in our therapist’s office one day, the weight of that “lie” I had allowed Kim to believe was crushing me. I had sold her a false bill of goods. I was not the person she thought she had married. She must have figured that out by now. But if I admitted it out loud, I was terrified that our relationship would be done for sure. When our therapist asked if I could tell Kim I froze. And then I noticed our therapist’s lower lip quivering as she felt along with my fear. Something in me broke open. Through gasping breaths, I admitted to Kim that I was sure she wouldn’t want to be with me if she really knew how much of a fraud I was. Being a Communications student hadn’t helped us in our marriage one bit. I was finally able to ask Kim for confirmation that she already knew that that isn’t who I was, and for reassurance that she still wanted to be with me even though her early belief in me was based on (what I was convinced was) a lie. [Kim responded well.]

From Kim:
I don’t remember the details anymore. I still remember the feeling. It wasn’t my first Hold Me Tight conversation with Dennis; it was probably the deepest. We had recently come home from our final intensive session where we had worked with the shame I had been drowning in my whole life, and my belief that if I messed up, I’d be thrown out to the wolves. Something that evening had activated my shame and fear again. I lay in bed next to Dennis, trying to have the courage to admit to him what was terrifying me and asking if he could still possibly love me right then. My fear was palpable. Dennis told me later he could feel the entire bed shaking. Finally, I rolled toward him. I don’t remember what I said or asked. I do remember the relief of Dennis answering with compassion and reassurance and holding me to his chest as my body and mind stilled and I fell asleep in his arms.