Relationship Repair After a Rocky Moment
Many of us go through life trying to avoid painful moments of rupture or hurt with our partner. These efforts rarely work. Instead, they reinforce and intensify our painful cycle. Emotionally Focused Therapists and Hold Me Tight Leaders view moments of pain as inevitable. We see relationships as an ongoing series of rupture AND repair. Instead of trying to prevent what can’t be, we focus on getting from moments of ouch to talks that repair the ouch.
Are you ready for repair?
If we can take our partner’s perspective, we’re ready to start an ouch talk. We don’t need to agree with their view. We must see the logic of their perspective.
We start by asking three basic questions:
- What did my partner hear or see from me that cued their ouch?
- What meaning or story might they have told themselves?
- What raw spot or past events between us could validly affect their point of view?
Dennis recalls a vivid memory of learning to see things from Kim’s view during their EFT process. “I said something during a team meeting and saw Kim stiffen across the room. Instantly I knew she didn’t understand what I meant.” After the meeting ended, they stood in Dennis’ office.
Kim remembers Dennis being curious about her response. “He said he could see I felt hurt and that it would be easy to hear what he said as a criticism of me. If that’s what I heard, then of course it hurt. I immediately felt better.”
Next, Dennis felt a strong impulse to explain what he really meant. Kim told him she felt better and didn’t need an explanation. “I offered to explain several more times that day and Kim turned me down each time,” Dennis says. Being turned down taught him another important relationship lesson. That’s for a blog for another time.
Conversation 3, “Revisiting a Rocky Moment,” walks couples through this process. Hold Me Tight® Seattle ends our first day with this session. It builds on the first two, “Discovering your Demon Dialogue” and “Finding Raw Spots.” Things change after we can consistently talk through the first six Hold Me Tight® conversations. The ouch moments don’t come as often, don’t hurt as much, and sometimes don’t hurt at all.
Join us at an upcoming workshop to learn and experience the process. Our EFT Therapists / Leaders provide personal guidance to help you apply what you learn.